This is very long but I really get it. It’s a “Gordian Knot” situation worth seeing the Wikipedia entry. It’s that she was BAD NEWS. Leave and RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Mercy me, wow, this hits home and expresses what I experienced from the beginning of my life. A wave of emotions and tears are flowing as I listen. I guess the body really keeps the score. G
P.S. I’m feeling sorry for myself and that’s okay.
As I was listening to your super conversation the term withholding popped into my mind, a term I heard back in the 70’s - 80’s women spiritual movement aka the feminist movement, some hard core feminist are a handful, and I didn’t fit in. I was more academically inclined and the Women’s Studies programs which were offered at Universities back then were excellent.
I've been on the receiving end of splitting. When painted all black, I had to become more stoic towards her and laconic, and walking on eggshells to avoid episodes of pure rage directed at me from her, but she liked it when I am a bad boy. When painted all white, I felt a pure love from her but still had to walk of eggshells, if I show any signs of being a bad boy ( I like to sexual tease and be naughty with a girlfriend), it could trigger her painting me all black again, so I had to conduct myself like a saint all day long.
So, I am curious. I noticed that there were times where her persona changed all black or all white. That she can either conduct herself as a saint (more virtuous) or like a devil (more overtly sinful, evil) all day long, and I could tell sometimes because her outfits color would change, she either wore all white or all black. When she wore more colors on a given day, she seemed more integrated all day long.
Since splitting is usually outwardly projected, could it also manifest inwardly too?
I think that cognitive dissonance of taking on the roles of being either an all day bad boy or an all day saint is what trauma bonded me to her; since, at the time, I was trying to avoid being trauma bonded (I figured her out, she's a covert narcissist, but after my loyalty deepen with her, at the time I would had taken a bullet for her), it snuck up on me only after her end game. I knew about the narcissistic abuse cycle, and was dreading the discard phase (the end game). I was addicted to her, not just emotionally and psychologically, but felt like a physical addiction to her too (needed my feel good body chemicals spurned by heavy doses of oxytocin and that erotic Aphrodite chemical blend, with doses of anxiety caused by her triangulation "attempts" and spikes of occasional adrenaline...cocktail mix - I read that trauma bonding is equivalent of being hooked on cocaine; the highs of it, the hangover part, and not having it available, desperation). Trauma bonding is more complex than a normal break up, where there's some communication, discard phase is being tricked into another love bombing stage, then an out-of-the-blue, all out precision guided missile attacks meant to obliterate a man's masculinity blitzkrieg, then a sudden ghosting, no communication, no loose ends to tie up...you're left hanging, is this just another devalue stage or is this the final discard phase.
You go from being the top status male in her life, but only when present with her (Object Constancy made her be different when I wasn't present with her and she forgets that I am her top status man, some other male replaces me, and gets that top status rank, could even be a total stranger she just met), to being tossed into the garbage can like a piece of worthless gum wrapper.
This is very long but I really get it. It’s a “Gordian Knot” situation worth seeing the Wikipedia entry. It’s that she was BAD NEWS. Leave and RUN FOR THE HILLS!
I went into this relationship with the mindset of, okay, I am looking for a woman with a matching maturity level as mine and likes to have juvenile fun too (not uptight). She matched my idea woman, matched my maturity level, and at times, seemed higher in maturity level than mine (she exhibited a very high social IQ).
It was disheartening seeing her regressed in her psychology, then rapidly regressed in her maturity level. I was on the Titanic going down with the ship.
A man has to be highly sophisticated in his game to weed out these high functioning covert narcissistic women.
“Paul, the essence of surgery is: it’s not what you do, it’s what you do next. O NO!
You could accidentally nick the artery, then you need to repair the artery and put in a lot of
BLOOD
O NO!
Or you could accidentally cut something, slightly off, or tie something too weakly, you fix it immediately. So it’s not what you do, it’s what you do next.”
I have been procrastinating about surgery for a torn rotator cuff, it’s so bad it’s a four inch tear. So, in my case it’s called reverse shoulder surgery where the surgeon will hacksaw off my rotator cuff and replace with a hunk of metal.
I will procrastinate longer, I have a fair amount of tolerance for pain and have learned how to navigate my life with a shoulder partially working. I’m taking this as a cosmic “sign” to procrastinate!
This was a super duper podcast, thanks gentlemen, your student G
This is very long but I really get it. It’s a “Gordian Knot” situation worth seeing the Wikipedia entry. It’s that she was BAD NEWS. Leave and RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Mercy me, wow, this hits home and expresses what I experienced from the beginning of my life. A wave of emotions and tears are flowing as I listen. I guess the body really keeps the score. G
P.S. I’m feeling sorry for myself and that’s okay.
As I was listening to your super conversation the term withholding popped into my mind, a term I heard back in the 70’s - 80’s women spiritual movement aka the feminist movement, some hard core feminist are a handful, and I didn’t fit in. I was more academically inclined and the Women’s Studies programs which were offered at Universities back then were excellent.
Withholding, what a strange word.
“The sacred duty to say this is what I am hearing” 💥Mr. Fox🦊
I've been on the receiving end of splitting. When painted all black, I had to become more stoic towards her and laconic, and walking on eggshells to avoid episodes of pure rage directed at me from her, but she liked it when I am a bad boy. When painted all white, I felt a pure love from her but still had to walk of eggshells, if I show any signs of being a bad boy ( I like to sexual tease and be naughty with a girlfriend), it could trigger her painting me all black again, so I had to conduct myself like a saint all day long.
So, I am curious. I noticed that there were times where her persona changed all black or all white. That she can either conduct herself as a saint (more virtuous) or like a devil (more overtly sinful, evil) all day long, and I could tell sometimes because her outfits color would change, she either wore all white or all black. When she wore more colors on a given day, she seemed more integrated all day long.
Since splitting is usually outwardly projected, could it also manifest inwardly too?
I think that cognitive dissonance of taking on the roles of being either an all day bad boy or an all day saint is what trauma bonded me to her; since, at the time, I was trying to avoid being trauma bonded (I figured her out, she's a covert narcissist, but after my loyalty deepen with her, at the time I would had taken a bullet for her), it snuck up on me only after her end game. I knew about the narcissistic abuse cycle, and was dreading the discard phase (the end game). I was addicted to her, not just emotionally and psychologically, but felt like a physical addiction to her too (needed my feel good body chemicals spurned by heavy doses of oxytocin and that erotic Aphrodite chemical blend, with doses of anxiety caused by her triangulation "attempts" and spikes of occasional adrenaline...cocktail mix - I read that trauma bonding is equivalent of being hooked on cocaine; the highs of it, the hangover part, and not having it available, desperation). Trauma bonding is more complex than a normal break up, where there's some communication, discard phase is being tricked into another love bombing stage, then an out-of-the-blue, all out precision guided missile attacks meant to obliterate a man's masculinity blitzkrieg, then a sudden ghosting, no communication, no loose ends to tie up...you're left hanging, is this just another devalue stage or is this the final discard phase.
You go from being the top status male in her life, but only when present with her (Object Constancy made her be different when I wasn't present with her and she forgets that I am her top status man, some other male replaces me, and gets that top status rank, could even be a total stranger she just met), to being tossed into the garbage can like a piece of worthless gum wrapper.
This is very long but I really get it. It’s a “Gordian Knot” situation worth seeing the Wikipedia entry. It’s that she was BAD NEWS. Leave and RUN FOR THE HILLS!
I went into this relationship with the mindset of, okay, I am looking for a woman with a matching maturity level as mine and likes to have juvenile fun too (not uptight). She matched my idea woman, matched my maturity level, and at times, seemed higher in maturity level than mine (she exhibited a very high social IQ).
It was disheartening seeing her regressed in her psychology, then rapidly regressed in her maturity level. I was on the Titanic going down with the ship.
A man has to be highly sophisticated in his game to weed out these high functioning covert narcissistic women.
Actually I think I am going to “Gordian Knot” you every time! RUN FOR THE HILLS FROM THIS PERSON!
There’s a song by Nikka Costa that reminds me of the struggle my empathy felt that my ex was going thru in her inner psychology:
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin'
You give and you take and take what you got
'Round and 'round 'till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie…
Nikka Costa - Push & Pull
I suppose, also, Nikka symmetry and looks are very similar to my ex too.
https://youtu.be/UupHy7jshP0?si=_RPx_yawE-P-ShwZ
In fact, Nikka Costa was the last gig we saw together at an intimate club in Hollywood, CA
WHAT, O NO, THIS CAN’T BE SO!
O GOLLY G!
“Paul, the essence of surgery is: it’s not what you do, it’s what you do next. O NO!
You could accidentally nick the artery, then you need to repair the artery and put in a lot of
BLOOD
O NO!
Or you could accidentally cut something, slightly off, or tie something too weakly, you fix it immediately. So it’s not what you do, it’s what you do next.”
I have been procrastinating about surgery for a torn rotator cuff, it’s so bad it’s a four inch tear. So, in my case it’s called reverse shoulder surgery where the surgeon will hacksaw off my rotator cuff and replace with a hunk of metal.
I will procrastinate longer, I have a fair amount of tolerance for pain and have learned how to navigate my life with a shoulder partially working. I’m taking this as a cosmic “sign” to procrastinate!
This was a super duper podcast, thanks gentlemen, your student G