As a Generation X, we didn't grow up with the internet, video game consoles, Netflix, nor owned smartphones. It was so boring staying at home that all the kids would meet outside and play together until dark. We had a lot of reality testing playing politics while playing, what to say and what not to say (or we got punched). When I go down memory lane on my drive back home, I sometimes drive by the parks I used to play with my friends, they're literally like a ghost town. The large lawn we used to play football, the baseball diamonds we played baseball, and the basketball courts are all empty during after school hours. Some of the parks turned into a dog park where kids aren't allowed to play. If we couldn't meet up to play outside, I would go to the rec center and play the pool table or participate in other activities with kids I didn't know.
I'm guessing that all the kids now-a-days are at home alone on their computers participating on their social media platforms or playing on their video game consoles.
As a parent, I try to recapture my youth's experiences by taking my kids to the park or beach to play with them, or hook up with the other Gen X parents to go camping and boating on the lakes together with their kids. I rarely wanted them to see me sitting for a long time on my computer or I played some video games with them but not for too long, I would say okay...let's go to the beach, get your stuff ready. My kids grew up developing friendships with their peers and I luckily rarely had to deal with either of them feeling lonely or depressed, they still have the skill-set to stay friendly with their long time friends.
I'm fortunate... to be my own best friend, so I rarely feel loneliness, and I always felt optimistic that I will eventually have another girlfriend someday or in a current relationship with a girl, I'm just not desperate for one, and oddly, that attitude attracts more women to me. Generation X is a special breed, we were the latchkey kids with no helicopter parents, we're the 1/2 Feral Generation. Not sure what middle-age is now-a-days, but my Gen X friends seems to be okay, with a solid sense of agency.
Sorry that I don't have much to offer for the men feeling lonely, accept if they're a King Social personality, find a female magician personality type, make yourself available in her domain (my favorite places is to be a regular patron at a club with live bands or show up to my favorite bands' gigs or at a nightclub with live performances), if she senses you're solid, she'll come to you. She'll get you out of your comfort zone, love it you're an active listener with a lot of knowledge, and she'll gladly help you grow more as a man.
It's concerning that when Gen X kids were playing at the parks, and the parks were packed with kids playing every weekend, and sometimes after school hours too... there were ~4 billion people in the world.
In 2024 there are ~ 8 billion people in the world, more than doubled in population size. I know only in USA we grew by over ~100 million in population. So, how in the world are the parks where I live have less kids, if any, playing at the parks when I was a kid? It didn't feel lonely for me because we had other kids to interact with at the parks.
Dr. Paul and Jeremy, thank you for doing another one in the series of amazing ones.
Dr. Paul, thank you so much for talking about meaning! And how it has to do a lot with expression of our instincts in correct social and cultural milieu.
You reminded me of this quote from Jean Shinoda Bolen:
"Bliss and joy come in moments of living our highest truth - moments when what we do is consistent with our archetypal depths. It's when we are most authentic and trusting and feel that whatever we are doing, which can be quite ordinary, is nonetheless sacred."
I think she is talking about instincts being expressed(archetypal depths) and how honoring those is giving us meaning.
So yes, friendships are so indispensable, because they have components of honoring various instincts of ours. And that is why they add more meaning to our lives.
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Also, a hat-tip for mentioning men's groups again where we can mentor each other.
Thank you also for that quote from "Shall we dance" movie about "being a witness to someone's life and stories". It is a profound thing, indeed. Being a mirror for the meaning of someone else's life.
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I also agree with what you said: "there is something about teaming up with other males, but looking outward at a goal. Like a common goal. It is outer directed, and with the teamwork here, it feeds the masculine instincts."
Bonjour Phil, so true, you have inspired me to write a short piece about my adventures playing as a wonderful child of the universe way way way back in ancient times, I’m Generation Ancient aka Gen A, teehee, a taste of my playfulness. Bonne soirée, Geraldine
Of course. There are always other variables that matter. Whichever you want to explore. However this is in fact the root principle. Aristotle has three great versions. My expanded def is “consistent, mutual, shared, positive emotion “. If you have a better ion I’m all ears…
Oh yes, your expanded def. I forgot to comment on that one.
If I am not mistaken Aristotle is also claiming, same as you, that friends who are parted don't exercise friendship activities face to face, and if this absence goes on long enough, the friendship will fade.
I don't fully agree with this, with you and Aristotle, when it comes to males.
It has been said that female friendships can be pictured as two women facing one another, while male friendships can be symbolized as two men standing side by side, looking outwards.
Now let's imagine two mature males, that spent a lot of time together, maybe survived a lot together(military or war or similar in city life) and got to a point where they have character-based friendship (as Aristotle would describe that being the highest form). Let's picture them side by side and looking outwards.
As long as they are orienting themselves toward the same far-away-goal (some goal for greater common good, for example), their friendship can last even without physical activities face to face.
If they both are aiming for the that highest good(not in naive way), a real value that they both share and hold dearly, this is the basis for a lifelong friendship even without the shared component physically, i.e. without physically shared activities. As long as they are active in pursuing that ideal, and fighting for that highest good. As long as they are still side by side in their values, and looking outward in the same direction.
If they stay in touch here and there, and eventually see each other after 5 years or more, they can still feel strong friendship.
I am talking here about people of virtue. Virtues of duty and loyalty have remained the same guiding principles in man friendships throughout time.
However, these are rare. Because people of such virtues are rare.
So as always, to "come back home", if we want to be able to talk about psychology, and make claims, we need to talk about the middle of the bell curve, so I do agree: "consistent, mutual, shared, positive emotion".
As a Generation X, we didn't grow up with the internet, video game consoles, Netflix, nor owned smartphones. It was so boring staying at home that all the kids would meet outside and play together until dark. We had a lot of reality testing playing politics while playing, what to say and what not to say (or we got punched). When I go down memory lane on my drive back home, I sometimes drive by the parks I used to play with my friends, they're literally like a ghost town. The large lawn we used to play football, the baseball diamonds we played baseball, and the basketball courts are all empty during after school hours. Some of the parks turned into a dog park where kids aren't allowed to play. If we couldn't meet up to play outside, I would go to the rec center and play the pool table or participate in other activities with kids I didn't know.
I'm guessing that all the kids now-a-days are at home alone on their computers participating on their social media platforms or playing on their video game consoles.
As a parent, I try to recapture my youth's experiences by taking my kids to the park or beach to play with them, or hook up with the other Gen X parents to go camping and boating on the lakes together with their kids. I rarely wanted them to see me sitting for a long time on my computer or I played some video games with them but not for too long, I would say okay...let's go to the beach, get your stuff ready. My kids grew up developing friendships with their peers and I luckily rarely had to deal with either of them feeling lonely or depressed, they still have the skill-set to stay friendly with their long time friends.
I'm fortunate... to be my own best friend, so I rarely feel loneliness, and I always felt optimistic that I will eventually have another girlfriend someday or in a current relationship with a girl, I'm just not desperate for one, and oddly, that attitude attracts more women to me. Generation X is a special breed, we were the latchkey kids with no helicopter parents, we're the 1/2 Feral Generation. Not sure what middle-age is now-a-days, but my Gen X friends seems to be okay, with a solid sense of agency.
Sorry that I don't have much to offer for the men feeling lonely, accept if they're a King Social personality, find a female magician personality type, make yourself available in her domain (my favorite places is to be a regular patron at a club with live bands or show up to my favorite bands' gigs or at a nightclub with live performances), if she senses you're solid, she'll come to you. She'll get you out of your comfort zone, love it you're an active listener with a lot of knowledge, and she'll gladly help you grow more as a man.
Greetings Phillip,
Solid and freely given. Story is a living territory, I appreciate yours.
Go well, Geraldine
Thank you Geraldine.
It's concerning that when Gen X kids were playing at the parks, and the parks were packed with kids playing every weekend, and sometimes after school hours too... there were ~4 billion people in the world.
In 2024 there are ~ 8 billion people in the world, more than doubled in population size. I know only in USA we grew by over ~100 million in population. So, how in the world are the parks where I live have less kids, if any, playing at the parks when I was a kid? It didn't feel lonely for me because we had other kids to interact with at the parks.
Go well too, Phil
Dr. Paul and Jeremy, thank you for doing another one in the series of amazing ones.
Dr. Paul, thank you so much for talking about meaning! And how it has to do a lot with expression of our instincts in correct social and cultural milieu.
You reminded me of this quote from Jean Shinoda Bolen:
"Bliss and joy come in moments of living our highest truth - moments when what we do is consistent with our archetypal depths. It's when we are most authentic and trusting and feel that whatever we are doing, which can be quite ordinary, is nonetheless sacred."
I think she is talking about instincts being expressed(archetypal depths) and how honoring those is giving us meaning.
So yes, friendships are so indispensable, because they have components of honoring various instincts of ours. And that is why they add more meaning to our lives.
-----
Also, a hat-tip for mentioning men's groups again where we can mentor each other.
Thank you also for that quote from "Shall we dance" movie about "being a witness to someone's life and stories". It is a profound thing, indeed. Being a mirror for the meaning of someone else's life.
-----
I also agree with what you said: "there is something about teaming up with other males, but looking outward at a goal. Like a common goal. It is outer directed, and with the teamwork here, it feeds the masculine instincts."
Thank you, Dr. Paul !
I believe you to be a true scholar my friend. Nothing to add to your adroit summary.
Bonjour Phil, so true, you have inspired me to write a short piece about my adventures playing as a wonderful child of the universe way way way back in ancient times, I’m Generation Ancient aka Gen A, teehee, a taste of my playfulness. Bonne soirée, Geraldine
Of course. There are always other variables that matter. Whichever you want to explore. However this is in fact the root principle. Aristotle has three great versions. My expanded def is “consistent, mutual, shared, positive emotion “. If you have a better ion I’m all ears…
Oh yes, your expanded def. I forgot to comment on that one.
If I am not mistaken Aristotle is also claiming, same as you, that friends who are parted don't exercise friendship activities face to face, and if this absence goes on long enough, the friendship will fade.
I don't fully agree with this, with you and Aristotle, when it comes to males.
It has been said that female friendships can be pictured as two women facing one another, while male friendships can be symbolized as two men standing side by side, looking outwards.
Now let's imagine two mature males, that spent a lot of time together, maybe survived a lot together(military or war or similar in city life) and got to a point where they have character-based friendship (as Aristotle would describe that being the highest form). Let's picture them side by side and looking outwards.
As long as they are orienting themselves toward the same far-away-goal (some goal for greater common good, for example), their friendship can last even without physical activities face to face.
If they both are aiming for the that highest good(not in naive way), a real value that they both share and hold dearly, this is the basis for a lifelong friendship even without the shared component physically, i.e. without physically shared activities. As long as they are active in pursuing that ideal, and fighting for that highest good. As long as they are still side by side in their values, and looking outward in the same direction.
If they stay in touch here and there, and eventually see each other after 5 years or more, they can still feel strong friendship.
I am talking here about people of virtue. Virtues of duty and loyalty have remained the same guiding principles in man friendships throughout time.
However, these are rare. Because people of such virtues are rare.
So as always, to "come back home", if we want to be able to talk about psychology, and make claims, we need to talk about the middle of the bell curve, so I do agree: "consistent, mutual, shared, positive emotion".